I don't even know

This is the first blog entry in forever
I just got really busy doing nothing
so basically there are these times in my life that
it comes to the point where I feel like everything is falling apart
and that all of my efforts just make things worse

well that exact thing is happening
I don't even know what I'm doing anymore
I am so confused
I am made some big mistakes lately
well at the time they didn't seem that big
or even like they were mistakes at the time
but they turned out to be a lot bigger than I imagined
and it seemed that no matter how much I tried to say and show that I was sorry
that it didn't change anything, and that everything I was saying was just digging
this hole that I am in deeper and deeper
I know what has happened can't be changed
but I don't know what to do now

all that sucks
but its not the big picture of what is going on
I feel like I've been blind folded
and forced to run in one direction
knocking down anything that gets in my way
I think its official
I'm an emo kid
not one of those black finger nail polish and lip ring emo kids
like I want to scream but I can't find the breath
like my lungs won't in hail the oxygen to be than forcefully pushed back out
violently vibrating my vocal chords in different ways to produce
a scream to God for help
I hate that I only ask God for help
not only when I need him, but when I most need him
Of coarse he steps and helps me
He is amazing and I always take him for granted
when its so clear that all I have to do is ask for help
I can't even imagine what God thinks of me
if i had to say what I believed God thought of me
I would have to say that he probably is getting pretty tired of me
and my selfishness, weak faith, and my want to give away my heart
I truly want to give myself to God
but the stupid FUCKING JERK that I am won't let it happen
sorry for the language

Over OGN (christian camp that taught us to become evangelist) I thought a lot
about self sacrifice and completely giving yourself to God
I had never thought of it before
I mean of coarse I have talked about it and said that I would
But I had never really done it
OGN was great don't get me wrong
but I hated it
I hated that I could so blatantly see God working in people around me
and how God was even working in me and using me
But when night worship would be going on I would feel nothing
I hated that I would look around the whole room
and see everyone with God flowing thru them and breaking them down
I tried as hard as I could to Feel anything
but I was apathetic to the bone
so badly do I want to cry
but I just absolutely won't
I just let everything build up until finally I break
I pray that I break soon
because I hate this
tomorrow I am getting on a plain to fly to japan to visit some friends
I really can use a break
but I friend here told me that I can't just run from my problems
I know that they will be there right when I land
but I'm hoping.....
I don't know what I'm hoping for
just for something to happen
You must think that I'm pathetic
your probably right
God help me