I don't even know

This is the first blog entry in forever
I just got really busy doing nothing
so basically there are these times in my life that
it comes to the point where I feel like everything is falling apart
and that all of my efforts just make things worse

well that exact thing is happening
I don't even know what I'm doing anymore
I am so confused
I am made some big mistakes lately
well at the time they didn't seem that big
or even like they were mistakes at the time
but they turned out to be a lot bigger than I imagined
and it seemed that no matter how much I tried to say and show that I was sorry
that it didn't change anything, and that everything I was saying was just digging
this hole that I am in deeper and deeper
I know what has happened can't be changed
but I don't know what to do now

all that sucks
but its not the big picture of what is going on
I feel like I've been blind folded
and forced to run in one direction
knocking down anything that gets in my way
I think its official
I'm an emo kid
not one of those black finger nail polish and lip ring emo kids
like I want to scream but I can't find the breath
like my lungs won't in hail the oxygen to be than forcefully pushed back out
violently vibrating my vocal chords in different ways to produce
a scream to God for help
I hate that I only ask God for help
not only when I need him, but when I most need him
Of coarse he steps and helps me
He is amazing and I always take him for granted
when its so clear that all I have to do is ask for help
I can't even imagine what God thinks of me
if i had to say what I believed God thought of me
I would have to say that he probably is getting pretty tired of me
and my selfishness, weak faith, and my want to give away my heart
I truly want to give myself to God
but the stupid FUCKING JERK that I am won't let it happen
sorry for the language

Over OGN (christian camp that taught us to become evangelist) I thought a lot
about self sacrifice and completely giving yourself to God
I had never thought of it before
I mean of coarse I have talked about it and said that I would
But I had never really done it
OGN was great don't get me wrong
but I hated it
I hated that I could so blatantly see God working in people around me
and how God was even working in me and using me
But when night worship would be going on I would feel nothing
I hated that I would look around the whole room
and see everyone with God flowing thru them and breaking them down
I tried as hard as I could to Feel anything
but I was apathetic to the bone
so badly do I want to cry
but I just absolutely won't
I just let everything build up until finally I break
I pray that I break soon
because I hate this
tomorrow I am getting on a plain to fly to japan to visit some friends
I really can use a break
but I friend here told me that I can't just run from my problems
I know that they will be there right when I land
but I'm hoping.....
I don't know what I'm hoping for
just for something to happen
You must think that I'm pathetic
your probably right
God help me

First Real Blog

Okay so this is my first blog 

I don't know how it is going to go

so I am just going to start typing

currently I am listening to "Cath" by death Cab For Cutie

I absolutely love that song

it is so beautiful

for such a tragic situation

I don't know why 

but I really love the line

"You live someone else's dream, in that hand me down wedding dress"

I can't but help to say every time that I love that part

so sorry if you get annoyed by it

unless you don't personally know me

than that is probably the only time that you have ever heard

well I guess read me say it

or maybe not even that

I don't even know if people will read this

but cool beans if you do

so also currently

ITS HOT AS A FREEKING OVEN

I can't take it

I just took my shirt off

in case you were wondering

I actually now as i write that really hope you were not thinking that

that would just be really weird

I really miss the rain

not many people here like the rain

BUT I LOVE THE RAIN

and I hate the heat

well not hate

that is a strong word

hate starts genocide's

and I don't want to genocide the heat

wait yeah I do

CHILL OUT SUN

at least give me a cloud

so today in honor of it being 102 degrees

I went for a run in the hills behind my house

with a friend

we did it so that we would come close to heat stroke

to just than jump in my pool

that way we would appreciate it more

and we so did

that pool was a slice of heaven at that moment

wow I feel sick to my stomach

its probably the sushi i at dinner

so we went to this hip sushi place around here

and I know for a fact that people from japan

would have hated it

and thought that it was not real sushi

and was bad juju

because you can't really call yourself a real sushi place

when have sushi rolls with names like

The Bad A$$ Roll, or the Sexy Roll

thats just sounds stupid

it didn't even look like sushi

anyways I think I am going to go to bed

so Goodnight

sorry if you read that whole thing

but awesome if you did at the same time

Intro (my mind)

So I decided to start Blogging for a few reasons. 

I'm sure that everyone rights this same thing,

But I want to start blogging

because I have a lot of really crazy ideas

and I don't get to say them a lot.

I have some really out there kind of ideas

and I think that this will help me to

A. get them out there

B. organize them

C. just feels good to finally say things

so there thats basically it